The advice of the psychotherapist Barbara Fabbroni: “Don’t pollute the positive experience. We must have the ability not to let everything be overwhelmed by the tsunami of farewell.”
I don’t think there is a manual to manage abandonment well; it is an entirely personal life experience that depends on one’s experience. Being abandoned is a fear as old as man and afflicts people of all ages. This experience creates an intense unease that conditions the affective and relational life of the individual. Defining a line to handle an abandonment well becomes impossible.
Being alone creates fear and bewilderment; it produces defence mechanisms so as not to feel the pain. In our society, online mode brings help against the spectre of loneliness. Wherever you are, the network creates the illusion of a non-presence that cures loneliness. Never be offline; otherwise, you will lose contact with the infinite network of “friends” users and the illusion of staying in touch with the followers who follow your profile.
In emotional relationships, the constant and incessant fear of losing a significant person and remaining deprived of any bond can make life a real hell, so much so that you experience it as falling into the abyss.
The conviction of being abandoned translates into and highlights emotional relationships, exacerbating the simplest emotional manifestations and implementing a series of behaviours which, instead of bringing the loved one closer, inevitably push them away. It’s an emotional trap that wears out relationships, not only love ones but also friendship ones.
Some couples leave each other for certain periods, meeting other partners and reconnecting. However, many relationships fail precisely because one of the two fears is being abandoned. So it creates situations that lead to caging the couple, and the only way to feel free is to escape.
Based on this behavioural modality, there is an experience and a childhood experience where the trauma originated, giving life to a defence mechanism which, instead of protecting, creates more distance.
So a relationship that ends generates suffering, if not for both, at least for one of the couple. Knowing how to manage the end of cohabitation is, therefore, tiring and, at the same time, involves a multitude of emotions that take more work to take care of.
How and what to do to get out of this land of pain? Everything and its opposite has been written about separations, but there remains an important variable that always occurs: conflict! There is always an underlying hostility, even in peaceful separations.
How does a separation not produce pain and loneliness?
It is a detachment from something that has been and will no longer be; therefore, it cannot be lived superficially. I am convinced that even the coldest and most cynical person experiences separation as a strong and difficult event.
What advice can you give to those who have to face such an important moment?
What strategy can be implemented to create a collaborative terrain? How to behave in the face of the aggressiveness of a partner who does not accept the separation? Are there any recommendations that everyone can approve as if it were a vademecum to follow?
Is it true that a good separation depends on the couple formed?
The important thing to remember in this case or an event of abandonment without warning is not to pollute the positive we have experienced. We must have the ability not to let everything be overwhelmed by the tsunami of farewell. There will also have been significant and emotional moments.
So, the only advice is: “save the past positive”. Everything that will happen will result from the individual experience and the lived experience of the person who often carries significant ancient suspended elements within himself.
In order not to create an unlivable climate, it is necessary to carefully reflect on oneself and the relationship that has been trying to identify the flaws.
So:
- Identify the emotions that have the upper hand in the moment of abandonment.
- Reflect on the past.
- Never take refuge in solitude.
- Avoid partners who are unstable or unwilling to commit to a relationship, even if they arouse attraction.
- Trying to carve out moments for yourself that give serenity.
- Identify the strengths that you possess as an asset and stimulate them.
- Make new friends.
- Take care of yourself.
- Never forget to smile; it’s essential.
Faced with the experience of abandonment, it is important to become aware of one’s discomfort by bringing out emotions, feelings, thoughts and reflections to process them functionally and thus find another way forward.
One of the risks that people run is to create an emotional dependence for fear of being abandoned. This is based on two needs: Have a guide, a secure foundation to lean on. Nurture the gratification, feel supported, and have someone who can contain the emotional implosion. People who develop a dependency on others for fear of being alone are constantly looking for:
- Approval.
- Submission.
- Self-sacrifice.
- Recognition.
Normally, all this leads to an imbalance in the couple. We must always remember that love must give joy, serenity, tranquillity, and planning; it cannot be experienced as a sharp blade that cuts through where there is no exchange. In love, there are no winners or losers but only two individuals looking for a secure basis to create a nourishing and satisfying life project.
Many times it is ourselves who abandon ourselves when we are enraptured by the narcissistic thirst to always be under the gaze of the other, without thinking that one is nothing without an authentic presence nearby. The only parachute for the fear of being abandoned is to find yourself.
